10/15/2006
united. thats how everyone was at camp. uh huh. everyone was all like helping each other out.. and everyone did a fair share of work. everything. everyone was so enthu and all.. so nice. hah. it's bad enough to haf a class that looks like walking zombies all the time. this experience was really nice. (= i love council. i'm gonna kill to get in!! joking. but i'd give the oppurtunity to haf cheeta back..

we were supposed to have his memorial service today. but i guess i'm still too shaken.. too devastated.. too shattered. so we postponed it. even reading a cook book reminds me of him and makes me cry..looking at chicken recipes reminds me how he didnt like chicken.. and looking at seafood recipes reminds me of how he loved/loves seafood, and how much he ate when there was extra.

i still dont know how he died. my sister checked yahoo ask, and some said that.. well.. either he 1) got hit by a car
or
2)rat poison
since he was found under a bush near a not so busy road, it's a lil unlikely or both. sigh. it's troubling me so much. was he in pain? why didnt he come into the house? i guess i dont want to know. i dont want to know if he was scared when he died.. or whether he was in pain or not. i'd rather lie (or not) to myself that he died.. peacefully. but WHY THE HELL was he found under a freakin bush?! i mean.. did he choose to die there? or did someone move him?

right, i dont want to know. enough questions asked already.. i dont feel like doing anything at all. i dont want to go to school. i dont want to face everyone who knows about his death. i dont want to pretend i'm ohkay. but if i dont, everyone will pay so much attention to me and they wont treat me the same and i'll start crying like hell. i'm not used to people staring at me while i cry ohkay. it's too weird.

i didnt get to say goodbye to him. he just left. like that. i think the last time i actually sat down with him was like on tuesday or so. maybe wednesday.. i want to do that again. rub him, pat him, talk to him.. maybe i'd feel less bad. i always thought we'd be the ones to leave him.. with us going to australia and all. but, he was the one to leave us. i know he'd feel unhappy too. maybe more, cuz he lost 3 of us. i'm not sure if cats have the kind of feelings that we do.. but i'm sure he'd be pretty miserable without us.

he had like 10 more years to live.. and then he.. just.. died. i hate that word. death. death. death. cheeta. dead. gone. forever. i want another cat to replace him!! but i know i'll be fooling myself. i just want one to fill his place. he was the best. i know none can replace him.. but i long for a lil fur ball to hug. and in the morning, i came out of my room, half expecting him to be sleeping on the spare couch. and when he hears me, he'd start meowing so much.. but, nothing. silence. i was staring at the couch with cushions on it.. without cheeta. and at night, i'd go to the toilet, and i wished so much that he'd be waiting outside the door, waiting for a pat or something.. but.. there was no one. i was staring at the floor. the mat. no cheeta. i looked at his bowl today. i just cried. it's hard without him. hard to live without someone so dam important. am i expected to forget him? to pretend i never had a cat? you cant forget something so important. you just cant. no matter how hard you try.. unless you get amnesia or something.

the whole family's depressed. we all loved him so much. my momma's tryna be strong.. i can tell. my sister and i cried ourselves to sleep last night.. and we skipped church. i think i barely slept for 2 and a half hours. the rest were spent thinking. of so much stuff.. she didnt tell me she cried herself to sleep but i could tell. it's just this kind of telepathy that cheeta's death brought us. we kinda understand and know certain things. i guess it's just.. known for a strange reason. questions dont need to be asked, we just know it. the house is so quiet, it's scary. we've just been lazing around. not doing much. god! why'd you take his life so early? at this time? WHY?!

thanks guys. for tryna make me feel better. i really appreciate it. all the smses.. (= i dont know how i'm gonna face the school, my classmates, frens, or enemies on monday. thank god the sec 4Es aint gonna be there, in school. or not supposed to be. tomorrow, my grammy's are gonna be here. i dont know how to act.. to be strong, or to be how i really feel. i really dont. there are certain things that dont need explaining, its just something you know.. or sense. and i can tell cheeta's safe. well, technically, he's dead, and no one can prove if there really is life after death or just go to heaven or hell or anything.. so yeah.

thats it, i guess.